Laughter, Marvel movies and suppressed feelings of homosexual attraction: All of these things can be associated with the two best looking men in Hollywood today, Paul Rudd and Ryan Reynolds. Both of these men are responsible for the word “bi-curious” being added to the vocabulary of a majority of the seemingly straight men in America. As a man who’s comfortable in his sexuality, the debate on which of these men’s abs could shred a block of sharp cheddar cheese is not unfamiliar. After gathering the data, statistics and the private search history of insecure men in their 30s, a definitive answer has finally been found. Whether the public agrees or not is exactly what makes the debate so special. This will be a battle that will go on until the end of their lives. That being said, you’re wrong if you disagree.

Reynolds was born in 1976. This middle-aged Canadian started his acting career in 1991 as teenage heart-throb, Billy Simpson, in Hillside. Even at as young as 15 he’s been the dream guy of many young teens all over the world. In terms of being objectively attractive in the late 90s and early 00s he was the pinnacle of a young girl’s celebrity crush. Later in Reynolds’ life he would date and even marry some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, including Scarlett Johansson and Blake Lively. It is not an argument of whether this man is attractive or if he can win the affection of attractive women. However the ability to win the affection of heterosexual men is whole other beast.

Rudd began his career just the year after his competition. He started, in a similar way to Reynolds, on a drama called Sisters where he played an aspiring film-maker. In the show he was romantically involved with a female character played by Ashley Judd, a very gorgeous woman, who was frequently found on posters in many boys’ bedrooms back in the 90s. Rudd was able to convincingly play her lover and if that doesn’t earn him the title of World’s Sexiest Man, then nothing will.

Ant-Man versus Deadpool, Canada versus America, middle-aged white man versus slightly older middle-aged white man. However laid out, it’s near impossible for a straight male to determine which of these movie stars they would rather give them a massage. There are so many factors and so many opinions that need to be taken into consideration. If the decision is made too hastily there could be drastic consequences. Although, spending so much time wrestling with this, the answer to the question is deceptively simple. Paul Rudd or Ryan Reynolds? 

The answer is neither of these ugly spoon-shaped men. The real answer is Steve Buscemi. The man with the teeth that will make any dentist with a savior complex fall in love. He has ranged from voice acting on shows like “Rick and Morty” to being one of the most consistent cameos in Adam Sandler movies. Buscemi has been the hottest ugly man in Hollywood for years. With his bulging eyes, divorced teeth, and skin reminiscent of drywall that’s stained with cigarette smoke, who could resist this hunk. The only thing this 5’9 drink of water doesn’t have is a “Sexiest Man Alive” title. So the debate of Ryan Reynolds versus Paul Rudd is easily won by the star of “Spy Kids 2”, Steve Buscemi.